How to Stand Up for Yourself
Recently I had a male person who I am working with tell me “pull my big girl panties up.” But when I heard those words, a bell went off in my mind. Some of the bells that were ringing sounded like this:
“What the hell?”
“He can’t say that to me.”
“That is inappropriate.”
“That is demeaning.”
“I should just quit our working relationship.”
“F that guy.”
“Jerk.”
and…
“Why would he say that? That is not the character I have seen from him in the past.”
In my core, I knew a couple of things needed to happen:
1. I knew I needed to let a little time pass so I could calm down, process, and determine my course of action.
2. I knew I needed to stand up for myself and call this out directly and explain why it is not ok.
Fast forward to the next day and I’m sitting in my room in meditation. My brain was doing that ping-pong thing it loves, and I’m focusing on my breath and reminding myself “I am the sky and my thoughts are the clouds floating by.” I suddenly see my daughter. Someone at school has said some inappropriate things to her and she tells me about it. I take her into my arms and say, “Sweetie you listen to me. You ALWAYS have the right to stand up for yourself when someone is saying something hurtful to you. You speak up and tell them why what they said is wrong and that they can’t speak to you that way. And if they don’t listen, you come get mama and I will make them wish they hadn’t spoken to you like that!!” Protective mother bears in the house, can I hear you say “AMEN?!”
My words were so strong and protective and vivid. I was feeling the desire for her to learn to stand up to anyone- a person in authority, a person with more power, a person of a different sex, a person who is larger than her. Literally anyone who wrongs my daughter, I want her to know she has intrinsic value and deserves to be fought for.
10 minutes later, I was processing this vision with a friend and the lightbulb flicked on: “Dodi, this is about YOU! YOU have the self-worth and value to stand up for yourself. YOU should not be spoken to in a demeaning way. YOU stand up and ‘tell them why what they said is wrong and that they can’t speak to you that way’.”
Stop. Who, me? Oh yes, ME. I’m a grown-ass woman. Why am I not speaking up for myself? Here comes the brutal truth… I was taught to keep my mouth shut. I was taught males have the authority. I was taught to go along with those in authority. I was taught to appease in situations of discomfort. (*A friend shared this interesting article on how sometimes rather than fight or flight, we appease as a trauma response. Linking it HERE.)
Here are a few tips for standing up for yourself I found on success.com.
1. Be transparent and authentic. Expressing yourself openly and honestly is a powerful practice.
2. Remain calm. If we get defensive and reactive, we tend to speak from fear rather than our power.
3. Start with clarifying questions. Calmly explain where you are coming from, and see if maybe there was a different intent behind the situation so you gain understanding.
4. Be totally straightforward. “What you said was really hurtful. Next time will you speak to me the way you would want to be spoken to?”
5. Own your feelings. They are valid, just as whomever you are dealing with has valid feelings. Know you have inherent worth and value. Don’t apologize for them.
6. Practice, Practice, Practice! If you are new to being assertive, practice using your voice in the mirror, in safe spaces, and then with others when you need to stand up for yourself.
Great news! In my situation, I got a humble apology and a very heartfelt promise to do better. This may not be the outcome every time I stand up for myself, but just the act of a request for validation sends a strong message to my soul about my own perceived self-worth and value. And the ripple effect is real: when my daughter sees me standing in my own confidence and value, she will feel free to do the same. And mama bear can stay snug eating honey in her cave!
