O.F.N.R.
…and how the process can reduce stress in your life
Think back to a scenario where you had a kerfuffle with someone? Friend, loved one, neighbor, stranger on the street, anyone. Got it? Does it bring back those feelings of what you were experiencing at the time? If not, take a minute to really remember it and drop down into the feelings you had at the time of the occurrence.
Now, since you can’t share yours, I’ll share mine. We had a fantastic day planned for the 4th of July. Our family was going to spend time with another family that we adore who we hadn’t seen since the start of Covid-19. We were all feeling excited, until… we woke up to rain. Our swimming and picnic plans were thwarted and we were all feeling down about it.
Andy, my husband, asked me, “What’s our plan?” My response, “Um… it’s raining so I don’t know.” And I went about leisurely reading a book. A few minutes later, he asked again. Again, I respond with an I don’t know or something about waiting to see what the weather does. Once he asks the third time, tension enters the room. He’s getting upset with me and I’m getting frustrated with him. We are both feeling needs that are not being met, but we are unsure how to observe this pattern, recognize the feelings and needs, and are unable to make a request to remedy the situation.
Our patterns stem from our emotions that we learned from our Family of Origin. Mine is typically “Uh oh, I did something wrong.” And his is typically, “I’m not getting attention because I’m not worth it.” Our scenario is that same pattern playing itself out for the gazillionth time. Me feeling like I’ve done something wrong, and him feeling ignored and unvalued.
No matter what your “Go To” emotions are, it’s extremely helpful to use the method OFNR developed by John Kinion and explained in his Choosing Peace book series. Let me give you the cliff’s notes of how to break this down:
Observations. View the situation as you would through a camera. Don’t attach any feeling or emotions, simply state the FACTS about what happened to trigger you and the other person. From my point of view, these observations include Andy asks me what is the plan multiple times, I respond that I don’t know because it’s raining. We both got triggered.
Feelings. State what you were feeling without a judgment (Kinion calls these “faux feelings.”) So rather than saying I felt like Andy was picking on me, I would say I felt frustrated or annoyed instead.
Needs. What was my need in the moment that was being unmet? I needed peace and calm, harmony and relaxation on a holiday. I needed love and safety and communication.
Requests. When you make a request, there are certain elements your requests should contain. 1) Requests should be present tense 2) Requests should be positive (ask for someone to do something rather than not do something and 3) Requests should not be a demand. They might start with “Would you be willing to.”
So my request of Andy in this situation would be, “Would you be willing to sit down and relax for a bit as we wait to see what the weather does?”
Now, here is the hard part, you redirect the OFNR and for the person in the conflict with you. I was able to work through this process with Andy, but if you do not have the person available to work through it with you, you just have to get really curious about the many possibilities that could be facets of their experience, or just make your best educated guess!
Here was Andy’s OFNR for that situation:
Observation. He asked me several times what our plans were and got little to no response.
Feelings. He felt alone and without support and helpless.
Needs. He needed support, communication, love, and help.
Request. “Dodi, would you be willing to help me figure out what the rest of our day will look like?”
