Dealing with Family Dynamics During the Holidays

Just when we think we have grown and matured and have life figured out, we spend extended time with family and realize how little we know! Americans have an ideal in our minds of a Norman Rockwell holiday family gathering, but is this realistic? You know you can only control how you behave, not your relatives that can easily push your hot buttons. 

I’ve read that wrecking the holidays can be like a sport for some people. Old family roles and patterns can often lead us into conflicts. With a little time and planning, you can foresee some of what dynamics may pop up (again) and know exactly what to do to be your best in the situation. Let’s explore tips for dealing with difficult family dynamics around holiday gatherings, to make the most of everyone’s special time together.

Here are 8 tips to handling holiday family dynamics with grace:

1. Minimize idle time. My super fun in-laws always have many activities planned for our annual Thanksgiving gathering. The games are something everyone can enjoy: Morning 5k or workout, 12 pound frozen Turkey Toss (for distance), Dance parties, Dizzy bat, and just lots of general silliness. The kids love it and the adults LOVE it. All these activities leave the family pretty wiped and leaves almost no time for arguments!

2. Set boundaries. If you don’t want to talk about if and when you and your boyfriend are going to get married, make it clear ahead of time. “I appreciate your concern, but I’d rather focus on our time together and not discuss marriage today. Can we focus on my winning the turkey toss this year?” Let the family know what’s off limits, and remind them if you have to.

3. Stay away from Politics and Religion. In our current political climate, it’s likely best to avoid some subjects altogether. Avoid politics like Aunt Betty’s jello-mold! It can make the entire gathering awkward, heated, and unfriendly. Pretend you didn’t hear if someone brings it up, or just go get some more pumpkin pie.

4. Be aware of your triggers and have a plan. When your mom brings up the fact that she wishes you lived closer and you feel your face get hot pink, stick to your plan. Walk outside, signal your partner for rescue, or suddenly remember you need stir the gravy. Do what you need for you to remain grounded and calm.

5. Keep your time in perspective. It’s likely that you can count the hours that you’re spending with family, so keep that in perspective. Knowing that your time is short can help you to remember to let things roll off your back. Your visit is temporary, as is life, so make the most of your time. Be the chill one.

6. Increase self-care plans.  Take an extra-long bath, schedule a massage, go for a long walk, and/or have a friend you can call. Increasing your self-care will enable your brain to be more relaxed and less responsive to triggers. By remaining in a calm state, you are better able to handle challenges that crop up with grace and wisdom. Be slow to react.

7. Have an outlet. Something to always have with you on family holidays: a notebook. When you catch yourself feeling anxious or triggered, give yourself ten minutes to write and get all those thoughts and feelings on paper. This can enable a safe space to express your upset, without responding in shouts and curses. 

8. Try on their shoes. Anytime you can put yourself in another’s shoes, trying to understand the “need” behind the motive of their words, it can be helpful. Most times when we think about why Dad asks the questions that trigger you, it’s coming from a place of love, care, or the desire to be helpful. Most parents truly want the best for their kids, they simply don’t know how or have the tools to adequately express it. 

These are just a few tips to try to tame the holiday sideshow. Maybe you like the circus, maybe you like to tease the tiger, but at least be the ringmaster of your own emotions when you’re surrounded by monkeys. Happy Holidays!