A Bit of Self-Compassion
I had this conversation with a friend who was beating herself up after not performing her best at one of our Booties workouts in Town Park:
Her: Dodi, should I not even come if I can hardly even do the workout? I mean, I really half-assed the whole thing.
Me: Who’s your best friend?
Her: What?
Me: Who is your BESTIE?
Her: Mary Alice.
Me: If Mary Alice showed up and had an “off” day and only did half the workout, what would you say to her?
Her: (sheepishly) I would tell her good job for showing up, she did great and it doesn’t matter that she did half.
Similar conversation but totally different topic:
Her: And my baby is like 5 weeks old and I’m already supplementing with FORMULA because I’m not making enough breast milk (with a self-loathing tone.)
Me: Do you have a sister? And do you love her?
Her: What? Yes. And Yes.
Me: What would you say to your sister if she told you she wasn’t producing enough breastmilk for her baby?
Her: (lightbulb face) I’d tell her it is fine and it’s not her fault and she hasn’t done anything wrong. I’d tell her that her baby will be healthy and fine with some formula on board.
You get the idea. Ladies we are so HARD on OURSELVES. We are highly skilled at giving compassion to others, but when it comes to self-compassion, we fall short!
I love listening to NPR LifeKit. Short little episodes with tangible takeaways. One episode around self-compassion shared the idea that people who are the most compassionate to themselves are the ones who are most successful in achieving what they set out to accomplish. It was truly an ah-ha moment. When we are hard on ourselves, it’s actually counter-productive. Those who show themselves the most self-compassion are quicker to acknowledge we all make mistakes and move on. When we practice self-compassion, we are more able to bounce back from challenges with a sense of perspective, wisdom, and optimism. HOLLA!
When we listen to that inner critic, it can lead to us living smaller, less courageous versions of ourselves. The inner critic prides itself on keeping us “safe” and it will do anything to accomplish this, including feeding us lies about ourselves. That voice feeds us the list of “what ifs…” What if I can’t do it? What if they laugh at me? What if I let them down? What if I fail?
There are many strategies to quiet the negative voice and get us back to the space of compassionate living. First, we can “Name, Tame and Reframe.” In this process we name exactly how we are feeling and how we are judging ourselves harshly. We tame by slowing down our breathing and mindfully searching for what it feels like in our body in the present moment. Get curious, and get aware. And finally we reframe it by thinking of a positive- like something you appreciate about yourself, or something that’s going well in your life.
Another tip is to hear the voice inside of you, and speak directly back to it. You can tell her, “I know you want me safe, but I’ve got this.” Tell her thanks, but not today, and move on and get back working on your goals.
You can also visualize the exact outcome that you’re hoping to experience, and the crazy thing is, your body doesn’t know the difference if what you are envisioning is untrue or reality! The more you can “wire” your brain to think the thoughts around you successfully achieving your goals, the more you experience the outcome in your mind, the more likely you are to get there.
Think of your mind as a garden. To tend to a garden, you need to pull the weeds and plant seeds. Let’s recap how to weed and seed:
Name, Tame, Reframe
Speak (with kindness) a no thank you to the inner critic
Visualize what you hope to achieve, over and over
Good luck and let’s treat ourselves with the same kindness and compassion that we would our sisters and our besties. We are every bit as worthy of the love and kindness and grace we give to others.
