What I Learned When We Sent Our Child to Live with Nana

If you’re out of the loop and you didn’t know my daughter went to finish out the school year with her Grandmother, check THIS out.

And to catch you up, SHE’S BACK!! HOORAY! We are a family of 5 again.

So many of you sent notes, letters, emails and texts of encouragement. You let us know how brave it was to choose to do this really hard thing. You told us that the fact that we listened to what she needed was so important. You also shared you were cheering for us and sent us love. All the words of encouragement were more meaningful and impactful on our mental health, relieving so much “did we do the right thing?” doubt. We felt so loved and encouraged and held.

Now that this season of our daughter not living with us is over, we’re reflecting on what we learned from this experience. Here are some of the lessons we learned, and you can use these in ANY relationship to strengthen your bond.

1.     Listen. This is the most important. I was often dismissed as a child, and I’m paying for it now. I get this tightness in my throat when I’m having a hard time expressing my thoughts around a difficult topic. I literally cannot speak. When we listen to our kids, with eye contact and full of empathy and understanding, our children develop the muscle to use their voice, to speak up when something is wrong, or when they see an injustice. It is so important to put the phone down and fully listen. Reflect back what you hear to make sure you’re getting it right.

2.     Empathize and Normalize. I was taught pretty young to “look at the bright side of things.” I do not remember it being “ok” to be sad. I can silver-lining nearly any discomfort, accident, or tragedy. The bad news is, this does nothing to validate the feelings present in the moment. Empathy with a child’s feelings teaches them not only are their feelings valid, THEY are valid and their feelings are NORMAL. They learn they can come to you and tell the truth. This is so important. And normalizing what they feel, experience, and their discomfort. Normalize tears. Normalize mood swings. Normalize PUBERTY! We’ve all been there!! Brene Brown says, “Learning how to stay in the midst of feeling unsure and uncertain – that’s the foundation of courage.”

3.     Help your child take risks. While this change (cross-country move) felt like a risk for all of us, it was the biggest for her. A new school, a new culture, a new home, climate, big city, etc. It’s a big risk to step into the discomfort of the unknown. I don’t yet know all the ways this experience has shaped her, but I feel incredibly confident that taking this risk has helped her develop more courage and grit. *Other ways to take risks: audition for a role, join a new group, run for student council, mentor a kid, start a blog or vlog, try out for a sport.

4.     Cheer them on! Let your kids know how brave they are for doing something new, different, unexpected, or even “normal”. Expressions of bravery helps them to develop an identity separate from yours and your expectations. It’s not always comfortable when your kids take a path that is different from the one you’ve envisioned for them, but they are NOT YOU. It’s not about you. Be their number one fan! Light up when they enter a room every time! And let them choose their trajectory according to their desires, not yours.

5.     Encourage mistakes. Do you want to be clued in to what’s going on in your kids’ lives? Be ok with mistakes. How do you normally react? If you handle mistakes with empathy, unemotional discipline, and tactical conversations, you might be invited in to the next situation where a mistake presents itself. Don’t make your kids hide from you by berating them for making mistakes. Embrace mistakes and failure as learning and celebrate them and move on.

6.     Let your kid be who they are.  When I saw the weight lift off my daughter’s body the day we asked if she wanted to finish the school year with Nana, I knew she is a much different person than me. I don’t know if I would have made this choice at her age. Now that she’s back, she wants to dye her bangs purple! And guess what? The appointment is set. Why? If I let her express who she is now (a kid that wants purple hair) then she will develop a stronger sense of self, and I’ll continually be invited into the conversations around who she wants to be. By letting her make these choices, she won’t have to find ways to express herself “sneakily.” She won’t have to tip-toe around us, because she will know from experience that we can handle what she brings to us, and we accept her as she is.

I asked my sweet baby angel about what she learned from this experience, and she said, “Kids are absolute jerks sometimes and you just have to deal with it.”

That’s my girl. She’s learning, growing, dealing, and she’s back. I love her so. I’m so happy she’s home.