Do I Love Myself?
The Bible says, “Love your neighbor as yourself” as part of the greatest commandment. Question: What good does it do to love your neighbor as yourself if you don’t truly love yourself? Many people struggle with not loving themselves fully and wanting to love others more than they love themselves.
Self-love is the basis for an abundant, fulfilling life, as well as the ability to love others unconditionally. When self-love, self-esteem or self-worth are lacking, this can result in a lack of trust in relationships, a scarcity mindset around finances, work that is unfulfilling or begrudging, and a lack of feeling you have control in your life. It is not selfish to love yourself. When you do, you feel a deeper sense of contentment, no longer needing to fill yourself with all the goods and purchases that marketing experts want us to buy to try and fill the void of self-loathing.
How do you know if you love yourself deeply? Take a quick dive beneath the surface to see what’s hidden in your subconscious and causing you to act in ways that aren’t the most loving to yourself. Ask yourself if you do any of the following to get a gauge on how you feel about you.
DO YOU:
1. You put the needs or wishes of others so far ahead of your own, you never get the chance to refill your cup. We all want to give from a place of overflowing and abundance, right? Yet I hear so often about burnout and fatigue, and this is particularly common with parents, especially moms, of young children. First, know what fills your cup. Time alone, time with friends, time in nature, time near the ocean? Make it happen. You will be better able to love yourself and others by keeping your needs met the best you can.
2. You apologize often or take the blame in any situation. When my kids used to wet their pants, my sweet husband would always say, “I’m home and we’re changing clothes because I wet my pants!” And it was cute and we would laugh so hard. But when we take the blame for things that are not ours, we open ourselves up for resentment of others and ourselves. Not always cleaning up others’ messes enables us to avoid the pain of resentment.
3. You put yourself down and self-deprecate, even if it’s just in your head. This goes in hand with judging yourself harshly. If you’ve ever made a mistake and said to yourself, “I am so stupid,” you know what I mean. We’ve all done it. But imagine if your best friend or a child you love made the same mistake, what would you say to them? Something like, “Oh it’s fine! We all make mistakes.” This is the same voice you want to learn to extend to yourself. Loving, gentle and compassionate with mistakes. As you practice this for yourself, you’ll find it is easier to extend more patience to others, especially your own children.
4. You struggle to whole-heartedly accept a compliment. Women can be particularly good at deflecting a compliment with a silly self-deprecating remark. When your friend says, “Your hair looks so good!” and you respond with, “Oh I’m glad it’s distracting from the bags under my eyes and my muffin-top,” then you’re not fully accepting love offered. This tells your system that you’re undeserving of the compliment, and love. The response to help you grow in this area? “Thank you so much!”
5. You never truly take a break or time off from doing. We don’t exactly get to “take a break” from parenting, but when is the last time you and your partner got away by yourselves? And when you do go on vacation, do you leave your work at home? I was recently working with a coach who asked me what it would feel like to do less. My shoulders dropped. I let out a sigh. She pointed this out. I decided to do half of what I’d normally been doing and guess what? Not one person complained. How can you let go and take time off in order to show yourself more appreciation?
6. You are rigid in your beliefs and actions. It is human nature to gravitate toward others who are like us, have the same beliefs, similar values. But did you know if you are more open to others ideas, it tells yourself that you can relax and embrace imperfection? Perfection in work, religion, parenting, finances, and politics is a construct that does not exist. Perfection is unattainable, unreal. Striving toward perfection in any area reinforces to your brain that you are not enough and you will never live up to your own expectations. Openness to what is different frees us from the chains of perfectionism.
7. You let your past continue to punish you. Some call it ruminating. When we don’t forgive ourselves from the past, we invite our minds and bodies to suffer the punishment repeatedly. Have you done something you wished you hadn’t? Said something you want to take back? Of course! We are human and we make mistakes. Our ability to let it go, both something you have done or someone else’s mistake, opens yourself up to love. For yourself and others. Stop the torture. Forgive yourself and someone else of mistakes.
8. You often worry about what others have that you do not. That pesky comparison monster is always the thief of happiness. Have you ever taken a stroll through your home just to look around and appreciate all that you have and love? Have you enjoyed memories from items collected? Have you Kon Marie’d your clothing, furniture, and knick-knacks, thanking them for the joy they have brought into your life? If you focus on what others have, you rob yourself the love and joy of what you do have. Appreciate it all and who cares what they have?
9. You care too much what others think of you. Other people can never fully comprehend your life experience. Yes, it’s human nature to want to be liked, but if our need for validation is external, we will always end up disappointed. I remember when I first learned the language to speak to my kiddos, “You must be so proud of yourself!” I wanted to use it for myself too, because truly, our own validation is what matters most. Take time to be proud of your accomplishments, and let other’s criticism roll right back to them.
10. You can’t seem to say “no” even when you don’t want to say “yes.” Healthy boundaries can be particularly hard for people who love to help others out. But without boundaries, you are constantly at the mercy of the desires of others. They think you joyfully said yes to their request, when in reality you just deposited another coin into the bank of resentment. Because you said yes before, they will come back and ask again, and the cycle continues. And you are left depleted and not feeling loved. Boundaries are healthy and loving for everyone involved, and a good indicator of how you feel about yourself.
Even if you resonate with just a few of these, there is room to grow that seed of self-love. Imagine the love that you could share with others if “loving your neighbor as yourself” meant that you fully and completely loved yourself, and you could extend that same depth of love to your people. It would be a LOVE EXPLOSION!
Let’s try it.
